Getting out (from between the rock and the hard place): softening to find your own way

What we resist, persists.

Like a Chinese finger trap, the more we struggle against the rock and the hard place (the eating disorder and recovery) the more we wedge ourselves into the stuckness. We also get increasingly exhausted the more we fight both sides. How do we get out?!

Step 1: soften. 

Start with the body. Stuckness, sense of failure, and struggle can all create a fear response in our nervous systems. You might notice your body feeling tight, your breathing shallow, and your mind racing or getting fuzzy. Calming our nervous systems (our bodies) is the first step toward opening to new possibilities and new ways of moving forward.

Ideas for softening: 

• breathe slowly and fully in the belly

• relax one muscle at a time in your body

• wiggle your fingers and toes

• wiggle your whole body

• look around you and notice things that you find beautiful or interesting

• breathe some more

• get a hug from someone you trust

• give yourself a hug

• snuggle in soft blankets

• connect with your senses - notice what can you see, hear, touch, taste, and smell

Here’s more details on body-based grounding skills for calming the nervous system.

We may still feel scared and stuck, we may still feel the urge to fight the finger puzzle or push against the rock and the hard place, AND calming our nervous system even a little helps us because it provides us with the capacity to be with the discomfort as we take the time to find our way out.

Step 2: create your own way out. 

It’s not easy, but creating our own way through is the most helpful way to get unstuck.

Whether we’re following the eating disorder rules or following recovery rules, we’re still clinging to the rigid external structure of the rock or the hard place. 

Don’t get me wrong, we need structure in order to find flow but trading one rigid cage for another only brings more guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. Eating disorder recovery culture has many supportive concepts, practices, and structures, which we need (especially in the beginning) as we step away from the eating disorder. Nonetheless,  I believe that it is extremely important that we make recovery our own so that the perfectionistic and controlling parts of ourselves don’t just make recovery another place to “succeed” or “fail.” 

What’s your way to create health and joy in your relationship with your body, food, and movement?

The answer to this question is the path out from between the rock and the hard place. It is different for each of us and takes lots of time and experimentation to discover. We don’t “arrive,” we just keep learning as the answer evolves.

Ideas for finding your own way: 

• separate from the eating disorder voice and connect with your authentic voice.

• notice which aspects of recovery bring you joy or fulfillment, even if they are scary at first.

• bring curiosity to new ways of doing things, considering them as experiments that provide you with information about what supports your authentic self the most.

• find support from a professional or mentor who knows the ins and outs of this process. There are many people like me who have lived experience of getting unstuck and supporting others to get unstuck who can help you to create your own unique recovery. We’re not meant to do this alone.

• do the things you love to do unapologetically and often

• radically invest in your joy

• gather information, the more knowledge and understanding we have of the situation the more power we have to choose how we want to get out. Books, podcasts, blogs, even social media.

Of course, all of this can feel super confusing at the beginning of recovery because we can be so fused with the eating disorder. You might be thinking “but that voice IS me…it’s not separate at all, it gets really upset and makes me feel really uncomfortable when I’m experimenting with new ideas. How do I know what’s me and what’s the eating disorder?”

Great question! Maybe I’ll go into that one next. For now, simply try on the idea that the eating disorder is a part of you but not the most authentic you. See if you can notice what it’s telling you and how it feels.

Let me know how the softening and exploring goes. What else have you tried that works?! Where do you still get stuck?

Four things to remember until next time: 

I care about you; 

having a body is beautiful; 

recovery is possible; and 

we choose what matters in this one wildly precious life!