We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live
“We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” - Joan Didion
I’ve always loved this quote. For me it brings to mind all our ancestors telling stories around campfires and deathbeds, at quilting circles and potluck dinners - people creating stories to make sense of their worlds, make sense of their lives and experiences. I think of how we are doing the same thing now, just as we always have, because creating meaning is how we survive. Our brains create thoughts/stories/narratives to make sense of the experiences we have in the world. If we didn’t create these narratives then all the information coming into our brains through our bodies and senses would just be a jumble of raw information. Our brains organize all that information for us. Thank goodness!
The way I see it the process goes something like this:
Sensations and Emotions Happen in the Body => Brain Interprets into Thoughts.
Although many of us are no longer aware of what happens in our bodies, the sensations and emotions we experience in our physical forms are chock-full of useful information telling us about how we are experiencing the environment around us. For example, as I type this newsletter my ears are picking up bird song and bubbling water, and I notice a tingly aliveness throughout my body as well as tightness in my shoulders and jaw. As I place my attention on these sensations I tune into the emotional experiences of joy, calm, fear, and anger in different parts of my body. Hmm…interesting, mostly raw, information!
I just slowed down the process by paying attention. However, often our brain notices our sensations and emotions before we’re even aware of them. That’s its job! In a nano-second the brain can interpret all the information from sensations, emotions, context, stored memories, predictions based on past experiences and more, creating thoughts. We may be aware of the thoughts before anything else and experience them as truth. Back to my example: before I paused to tune into my experience I vaguely felt thoughts buzzing around as I sat down to type - “What am I stressed about? It's probably about writing this newsletter. I don’t have any good ideas. Maybe I don’t want to do this right now. The setting is nice though. I like being here outside. I’ll try to write for a little bit.”
These thoughts are relatively harmless, however depending on what my brain latched onto my thoughts could spiral in a number of different directions. I could focus on the joy of being outside and the possibility of creativity flowing through me. This might create a feedback loop of joy, calm, and excitement leading to more positive, supportive, and creative thoughts. I also could focus on the stress in my shoulders and the story that I don’t have any good ideas. I might spiral into fear, self-doubt, shame, and stuckness with thoughts of possible failure and blocked creativity getting stronger. Depending on how long I stayed with certain stories and experienced them as true, the impact on my wellbeing could be very different.
How do I know which direction my thoughts will go? How do I tell if they will spiral into doubt or calm? Well, often I don’t know. Often we don’t know. Yet, what we nourish grows. We can decide where to put our focus, not only on which thoughts and stories we choose to believe but also on the raw information of our emotions and sensations to see what they are telling us about our experience before the brain has made its interpretations.
Now let’s think about this in a larger context.
There are so many narratives and stories bouncing around in our world right now as we all try to make sense of what is happening around the globe. Joan Didion is so right, “we tell ourselves stories in order to live.” When I read the news or hear people talking about politics or health trends or what “those people” are doing, I think about the human psyche doing the same things our brain is constantly doing: interpreting information to make sense of our world. What are the stories our humanity is telling? What are the stories we want to be telling?
Which stories will have a positive impact on ourselves? On our loved ones? Our humanity?
Because we can choose.
Our brains will create thoughts, the human race will create stories. Our choice is in which stories to hold onto, to nourish, to share, and to live into.
Which reminds me of another favorite quote from the Jesuit phase of my education, “given the way things are, how ought we to live?”
How will you live? What stories will you live?
Ok, I’ve tossed out a lot of questions. I’d love to know what comes up for you - your answers, your raw information, your thoughts and stories!
My brain wants to ping off in many different directions from here, yet the practical part of me is wondering (and perhaps you are too!): So…what do we do? What do we do with this information about how our brain creates stories?
I don’t have one answer because all these questions are complex and I don’t know the exact context of your life. And context matters. A lot.
I do have some ideas, things that have helped me and that I continue to explore and experiment with. Here are some things to play around with:
Build awareness - practices like meditation, mindful movement, time in nature or in stillness without distraction, and other mindfulness practices can help us to build awareness so that we can notice our emotions and sensations before our brains jump in with interpretations and so that we can notice the stories that are being created. Awareness creates choice.
Observe your thoughts - you are not your thoughts. Separating our thoughts from our self concept helps us to hold more compassion for ourselves and others. When we can observe our thoughts separate from ourselves, we have more space to wonder about if they are true. Of course, this is way easier said than done!
Name the stories - by saying out loud “I’m noticing myself having the thought…” or “I’m creating a story that…” we can diffuse conflict and create more space for mutual exploration and understanding. We can wonder whether or not the thought is true or helpful, whether we want to invest in it individually or collectively. These phrases have transformed my communication with others so 10/10 would recommend trying them out!
Pay attention to the body - the raw information coming from our bodies and senses are so valuable. The more I tune into what my body is telling me without too many thoughts and stories clouding things up, the more I understand what I’m truly experiencing and wanting. Context matters extra with this one because for those who have experienced trauma, discrimination, marginalization, or other challenging experiences, being in the body can feel very hard or even dangerous. In that case we may need extra care, support, and healing to be able to sort through the different signals coming from our bodies.
Talk to others - connection and community matter because we are telling stories individually and collectively. Wonder with others about what stories they are telling and want to be telling. Create stories together and spread them. Be mindful of impact.
One of the stories I’m choosing to believe is that this is the work our world is being asked to do right now - to build awareness, notice our thoughts, create and share stories with a positive impact, and live into joy because choosing joy is a radical act!
What are your stories? I’d love to know. Truly, please send me a message or give me a call, or come find me outside with the birdsong. I’d love to share stories and wonder about what we want to live into together!
