Anger - not so bad after all?

As I’ve been developing the BodyHome group I’ll be leading this October (so excited!! See below for more info!), I've been thinking about the way our disconnection from our bodies often reflects our disconnection from our emotions, and vice versa.

One way I understand emotions is that they are messengers from our nervous systems (i.e. our bodies), telling us about how we are interfacing with what is happening around us. In our world some emotions are more acceptable to be with than others, which can lead to the depression/suppression of emotions. In order to come home to our bodies, we often need to befriend our emotions. 

Also, the local and global news has got me thinking a lot about the ways emotions are often misunderstood.

Here are my musings on emotions, and specifically on the number one misunderstood emotion: ANGER.

I see anger as one of the most frequently suppressed emotions, for myself and others. Unfortunately, anger seems to have a bad reputation. We’re taught to fear anger in ourselves and others, learning to believe that anger is “dangerous,” “aggressive,” “violent,” and “hurtful.” Yes, anger can be expressed in dangerous, aggressive, violent, and hurtful ways. However, anger can also be expressed in many supportive and safe ways. Anger itself is just another emotion moving through our nervous system. Emotions are e-motion, energy in motion! All emotions want to move and all emotions have things to tell us. Anger is no different, except that it is one of the emotions with the most power and energy. Anger often wants to be expressed in big ways because it hold big energy. No wonder it can come out in unhelpful ways when we don’t have places to direct it or tools for interpreting its messages.

I like to think of anger as a volcano, the energy is big and explosive, however it won’t erupt unless the pressure is allowed to build up to a breaking point. Many volcanoes have steam vents on the sides. As long as the steam gets to escape through those vents periodically, the volcano won’t explode dramatically. However if those steam vents are blocked or can’t release the pressure at the same rate as it builds, an explosion ensues. Our anger is the same! When we can let the anger energy move frequently and at the same rate it is building, we’re ok. However, when we press it down, allowing the pressure to build and build, eventually it will explode outward. Unfortunately all that energy can frequently end up directed at ourselves or someone near us. 

The solution? Let’s learn how to recognize anger and what it’s trying to tell us, learn and practice steam-venting skills, become aware of signals that the anger build-up is happening, and know how to redirect the energy if it does explode. 

This may seem like a lot so let’s break it down.

Recognizing signs of anger: 

In the body: Anger often manifests in our bodies as a tight or clenched jaw, tight back and shoulders, hands in fists, and tight hands, arms, and legs. Everybody is different though so it’s helpful to tune into what you notice in your body when you feel angry. 

In thoughts: Our thoughts can reflect our emotional state, therefore if you notice yourself having blaming, hateful, frustrated, aggressive, or mean thoughts (toward yourself, someone else, or the world), you may be feeling angry. 

In actions: Before we even become aware of feeling angry, we may start to express all that big energy through raising our voice, slamming doors, having urges to punch or rip things, yelling, pushing away from others, picking fights, etc. Our unconscious anger expression varies person to person so I invite you to wonder about how it shows up for you. 

I often notice my brow furrowed, jaw clenched, blaming thoughts, and an urge to lash out when I feel angry.

What do you notice? 

What is anger trying to tell us?

My mentor Julie Colwell PhD, describes anger as alerting us to obstacle or intrusion. It tells us about when something is coming into our experience that we don’t want or when there is something blocking us from getting what we do want. Anger is all about what we want and don’t want, which is such important information. Our wants are key to who we are and our identities, thus anger provides vital information about ourselves. 

Ask yourself: 

What am I getting that I don’t want? 

and/or

What am I not getting that I do want?

Don’t stop reading now because this next part is ESSENTIAL.

Moving anger or “opening the steam vents”: 

What are helpful and healthy ways we can move big energy like anger through our bodies? I’ve found that anger always wants to move and often wants to move through pushing (pushing away obstacle or intrusion).

Here are some of my go-tos for expressing anger:

• Pushing against things

• Trees

  1. Walls

  2. The ground

  3. An imaginary grand piano

  4. A partner (no words!*)

• Screaming planks or push-ups

• Hold a plank or do push-ups while screaming

• Tantrums

  • Act like a three-year-old that hasn’t gotten what they want, make noises, let yourself fully embody the feeling

• Dancing

  • Make a playlist of angry music and give yourself a set period of time to move to that music

• Hitting pillows/bed/couch (something soft and hard to damage)

• Growling 

• Physical exercise

Other ideas: 

• Screaming in the car

• Painting anger or other creative expression

• Rage rooms

• Shaking something (a toy, pillow, blanket - something hard to damage)

• Ripping things up (old clothes, rags, newspaper, recycling) 

• Kickboxing, other martial arts.

What do you do to express your anger in helpful ways? 

*Key take away: Let the energy be expressed nonverbally! Make all the sounds you want but keep the words out. Engaging with words pulls us back into thinking which can get us stuck in the loop of narratives reinforcing emotion which creates more narratives which leads to more emotion. To get out of the loop we need to get out of our heads and back in our bodies. Taking out the words helps!

Pro Tip: If you do engage with thoughts while expressing anger, I invite you to focus on the anger questions: What am I getting that I don’t want? and/or What am I not getting that I want? See if you can ask your body these questions more than your mind. Afterall, "the mind does not always wish the best for us.”

Signs of an anger build-up: 

When we suppress our anger the pressure within our bodies and being can build up, which may show up differently for each of us.

Some things to look out for include: 

• Irritability

• Negative self-talk (if we can’t/don’t express anger outward we often point it inward)

• Depression (de-pressed emotion often leads to depression), including feeling down/tired/depressed, having low motivation, not enjoying activities we normally enjoy, hopelessness. 

• Arguing or picking fights

• Feeling stressed and anxious (these are signs that our nervous system is strained) 

• Anything from the Recognizing Signs of Anger list above

How does unexpressed anger show up for you? 

What to do if the anger volcano explodes?

Most of us will have an anger eruption at some point in our lives because we are humans and we are constantly learning through experimentation and experience. To avoid the explosive energy hitting someone else or ourselves, here are some ideas to try out when we feel the anger exploding: 

• Stop talking (creating angry narratives will only reinforce the emotion and may trigger those around you into reactivity as well) 

• Move/express the energy in helpful ways using the steam vent strategies above (move your body, scream, express nonverbally) 

• If the anger is being directed at others, move away from other people.

• If the anger is being directed at yourself (thoughts of hurting yourself, not wanting to be alive, etc), find safe people to be around

• Take some time before reengaging or trying to “figure it out.”  It takes 10-15 minutes for reactive emotions to re-metabolize and our nervous system to calm down so take some time to breath, express, and distract until your nervous system can reset.

• Communicate what you are feeling but keep it simple. Say “I feel angry” or “I feel mad.” 

• Don’t engage with the anger thoughts, they are just stories our mind is creating from our anger state. They may not be true.

Ok, this has been a lot of thoughts and information about anger. Personally, I believe a lot of our power and personality is in our anger. Anger tells us about our boundaries, what we really want in our lives, and when our needs are not getting met. Let’s not squash all that rich information. Let’s let our anger out before it explodes. Let’s get to know our anger and rewrite the narratives by redefining our own relationship to anger through practice. 

How do you understand anger? 

How might you befriend it? 

I’d love to know!